Do I really need attention?
Published Wed Sep 1, 2021
Ah, attention... It's a drug, isn't it? According to the Wiktionary, attention is:
An action or remark expressing concern for or interest in someone or something [...]
During the last few days, I somehow found that I was requesting attention. But why? For children, it is normal and important to request for attention, because it improves self-confidence; but for someone like me (who is pretty much mature), requesting attention (especially from strangers) doesn't sound especially normal.
This request for attention makes me vulnerable, as getting attention for quite a bit of time and suddenly not getting attention anymore can hurt (and when it hurt people can abuse you, etc...). When I was younger, I didn't get much attention to my projects (or, the least projects I did), far less than what I get today. So as I'm not used to attention, someone giving me some can get like a drug (which means you always want even more).
What I will do
I don't want this continue, as this will make me more and more vulnerable over time; so I'm trying out something. If that something doesn't work, I will have to take that one step further to get off my "addiction" to attention.
What I will be doing is fairly simple: forcing myself to not request attention for a month (and even longer if I feel comfortable with that); both online and in real life. That means I can't talk about "the super cool change I made to Kartik" or "that new item I added to this project I'm working on"; yes, that's going to be hard, but it is worth the try.
How I will do that
I mentioned that I will also be doing that online, so you have to expect me to not update my websites and projects for a month, not even talking about that. It, however, doesn't prevent me from working on my local copy; without telling anycreature about what I'm doing in the background.
I had quite a few projects planed for this month, but I will have to either delay them because I want to focus on myself; or completely cancel them because they seem too egocentric.
And please do leave me alone while I will be working on that, because asking questions like "what are you doing on [name of one of my projects]?" could make me angry at you. Anyway, you just have to keep in mind that the fact you don't see anything doesn't mean I don't do anything.
A note about Kartik though: Because of the nature of Kartik's continuous deployment system, people on the Kartik EAP channel may continue to receive updates, but these updates will contain no changes compared to the latest branched version (which is the stable-stage 21.08 at this time). The release for Kartik 21.09, which also marks Kartik's end of support, has been delayed to October 1st (which makes it release 5 days later than planed)
I hope that during this period I will have more time to focus on myself and the core of my projects: why I continue making them? who I make them for? what is my goal in these projects? am I happy with what I do right now? and some other questions.
When I will do that
This will occur from today (Wednesday, September 1st) to the same day next month (Friday, October 1st); if I don't decide to continue this.
After this month, I may (or may not) talk about it on this blog; talk about what I learnt, what I did, what I will do; or just keep it for myself and just say "hey, I'm back".
You don't have to worry about me
Although this may sound like I have some mental illness or something, I'm actually still keeping all that up, and I think I'm conscious enough to keep my mental under my control.
If I sound like I feel down, feel free to tell me about it. The goal of this month is to make me feel better and happier while working alone.
And I'd like to add, even though I know people are going to hate me about this, but making videos on YouTube about your projects is really a sign of you requesting attention; hence why I made one of Neutron last year.
All in all, if there's one thing to say, it is for my future self to remember this message from a stranger:
You're you, a clever regular sized specimen of your preferred gender and species. I believe in you.
Thanks for reading, thanks to everyone for giving me attention; and I hope I won't need your attention anymore.